If I knew now, what I will know then. . .

So I was reading my thesis today (I know, the height of narcissism) and for the first time in a year, it wasn’t that bad. it’s shocking, I know. but I came to the conclusion that I really could’ve used more time. The whole thing would have been better, you know.

When i graduated from Undergrad I said to Davin, “Ok, now i know how to do it. Let’s do it again and do it right this time.”

Right now I feel like that about many things. Marriage, kids, grad school, teaching, getting up in the morning and doing life.

wait, let me be clear. I feel as if more time is needed. Not tick-tock time, but brain time. My brain rushes through each day cataloguing (?), categorizing, arranging, putting in order and keeping track of every minute detail of my life, Lila’s life, Eva’s life. It gets tiring. And if you know me, you know, the girls and i are always on the go, parks and visits and picnics and zoo, etc. It’s been like that since Lila was born and I really am beginning to think about why.

Some people say that its great to show the kids all this stuff and do all these things and we do have fun. we find cheap things to do most of the time. But I know deep down that I do it to stay sane. I don’t really enjoy playing “house game”. Ok, I hate it. I hate playing with the stinking mr.potato head and I can’t fit in the play tent; I also don’t want to. I think the reality is that i don’t like chasing my kids. i really don’t.

The point is that I am sure that when they are inschool or where ever it will hit me and I will know then how to best do this now and it’ll be too late. Just like my thesis and undergrad. except the stakes are so much higher.

It’s like that with everything. Too much in the moment to know best how to proceed. Marriage is hard, too.

Got any bright ideas, family?

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